Heart of Gold
by lexophile42
Summary: What happens when you put the crew from a broken down Firefly, the president of the Galaxy, and the Doctor's company onboard the same round, white ship? Hilarity of course!
1. Prelude

Timeline: "Dr. Who"- Just before _Bad Wolf_, "Firefly"- _Out of Gas_, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"- _"Not that anyone cares what I say, but the restaurant is at the other end of the universe."_

Genre: Humor/science fiction

Pairings: Kaylee/Simon, Trill/Arthur, Zaphod/VP, Wash/Zoë

Rating: T-15

Disclaimer: I don't own these people. I just borrow them for a bit, make them work my will, then put them right back. Joss owns "Firefly", Russell owns "Dr. Who", and "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" is kind of a joint ownership, because it was written as a book, then made into a movie. It still belongs to both of its respected owners, however. I will not claim ownership for any of these characters, space ships, or time machines, nor will I claim to have created the quadrant of space that they currently occupy, because that was in someone else's mind at some point, and not necessarily mine. Wait… _I'm_ not even in my own mind… I'm _out_ of my mind… snicker… especially if I'm doing _this_ on my free-time… hmm… maybe I should try to rethink my life. Hold the phone… what life? I have no life. This _is_ my life… I'm a sad excuse for a pitiful carbon based life form…

Prelude:

"Not that anyone cares what I say, but the restaurant is at the other end of the universe," Marvin stated monotonously, looking over at Trillian.

"Right!" she spun the _Heart of Gold_ around and hit the Infinite Improbability button, "This should help."


	2. Chapter 1

"What is that thing?" Rose ran around the console to meet the Doctor at the monitor.

"I don't know, but it's following us," he looked painfully confused, "It's big… it's mauve… and it's following us."

"It looks like a… ship," she cocked her head to the side and closely examined the great, white, round object flying through space and time just behind them, "A really funny looking, plastic ship."

"Let's see," the Doctor whirled about to glance around the Tardis, "Jack! Come over here. Does this look familiar to you?"

"That's the president's ship," the dashing captain raised an eyebrow and watched the vessel as it began gaining on them, "The only ship in existence to have an Infinite Improbability Drive in the twenty-first century and it's following us to God only knows where."

"Hey, I know where we're going," the Doctor said defensively.

"Well, can't we stop or something? Pull over?" Rose looked between the two men inquisitively, "Ask them why they're following us."

"No, they probably engaged the Infinite Improbability Drive, so the ship is in control of all the actions, they probably don't even know that they're following us," Jack explained to her, "Actually, nothing is really in control of where they end up. Against all probability, it ended up tailing us right into the Time Vortex."

"Which is bad," the Doctor put in.

"What's an Infinite Improbability Drive anyway?" Rose's face was marred with confusion.

"Just a second," the Doctor ran down the hall behind them. A few crashes ensued once he disappeared into one of the back rooms. He soon returned holding up a small book. "_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_. A gift from an old friend of mine, who just happens to be the author."

He opened up the book, which turned out to be more of a video screen than an actual book. A long drop down menu popped up in bright colors.

"Infinite Improbability Drive," he spoke the words firmly.

The screen flashed dark magenta momentarily then came up with an eccentrically created animation. A strongly accented voice narrated from the depths of the book itself.

"_The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing interstellar distances in a few seconds, without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace. As the Improbability Drive reaches infinite improbability, it passes through every conceivable point in every conceivable universe almost simultaneously. So you're never sure where you'll end up or even what species you'll be when you get there. It's therefore important to dress accordingly. The Infinite Improbability Drive was invented following research into finite improbability which was often used to break the ice at parties by making all the molecules in the hostess's undergarments leap one foot to the left in accordance with the theory of indeterminacy. Many respected physicists said they weren't going to stand for that sort of thing, partly because it was a debasement of science, but mostly because they didn't get invited to those sorts of parties_."

"Huh?" Rose's face went from confused to painfully bamboozled, "Umm, was that supposed to help me understand what an Improbability Drive is?"

"Well, yeah," the Doctor's smile faded when he saw how perfectly perplexed the blonde was, "The animation is supposed to help too."

"Can I watch it again?" she raised her eyebrows pleadingly.

"Here, knock yourself out," he handed her the book and returned to the monitor.

""""""""""""""""

"Slim, where the heck are we at?" Zaphod strode into the room wearing his favorite shiny, gold boxers with his vice president clinging to his waist, "What'd you do?"

"I don't know," Trillian spun around to see the president and vice president approaching her, "I activated the Infinite Improbability Drive, and whoosh, here we are."

"We're supposed to be going to that restaurant, Slim," he said as he ran a hand down the slim VP's back, "You said you could get us there."

"Well, I guess I could try again," she reached for the button, "But God only knows where we'd end up, and I don't think you're dressed for any species changes."

"What's that?" the VP pointed to a small blue rectangle on the large monitor.

"It looks like a… police box," Trillian leaned forward to get a better look, "From the nineteen-fifties."

The blue box disappeared almost as suddenly as it had appeared.

"Where'd it go, Trill?" Zaphod separated himself from his clingy partner.

"I don't know," the Earth girl shrugged her shoulders, "I'll ask the ship. Hey, Eddie, where'd the police box go?"

The cheery shipboard computer flickered to life, making Marvin groan with displeasure, "Oh! Not again."

"Hi guys! The police box that you were just following is actually the space ship of the last remaining Time Lord. It's called the Tardis, and it and its crew just arrived in Bay 3."

"Thank you, Eddie," Trillian called to the computer, then turned to the manically depressed android sulking in the corner, "Um, Marvin, could you go get the visitors, please? It might help distract you from all those unhappy thoughts you've got running through your mind."

"I doubt it," Marvin drearily replied, "I've got a very large mind. Remember what happened the last time I retrieved the visitors? You nearly got eaten and I lost my arm…"

"Hey. Sunshine," Zaphod snapped his polished fingers, "Go down to Bay 3 and get the hitchhikers."

"Fine."

"Hey, what was that all about?" Ford ran in from the kitchen with a certain Mr. Arthur Dent close on his heels.

"Picked up a few more hitchhikers and a police box," Trillian sat down on the couch and pulled Mr. Arthur Dent down beside her then kissed him on the cheek.

"Oh, that's goo-- wait… police box?" Ford snapped to attention, "What kind of police box?"

"Eddie said it was called the Tardis," Trill shrugged then pulled a box of fruity cereal from the depths of the white piece of furniture, "Zaphod, what did I say about leaving food in the couch?"

"Hey, baby, I'm the president here," he snatched the dilapidated box and opened it, looking inside at the crushed remains, "I've been looking for these."

He dug inside and pulled out a pair of shimmery silver briefs.

"""""""""""""""""""""""""

"_Now_ where are we?" Rose stood up from where she'd been knocked to the floor upon landing.

"We are… I can't believe this…" Jack exclaimed, examining his vortex manipulator, "We're actually on the _Heart of Gold_!"

"That's great," Rose rubbed her backside then picked up the fallen _Guide_ and opened it, "The _Heart of Gold_."

Once again, the screen flickered to life and presented its animation.

"_The _Heart of Gold_ is the first space ship to have been built with an Infinite Improbability Drive and actually function correctly. It was stolen by the President of the Galaxy, Zaphod Beeblebrox, who kidnapped himself and rediscovered the lost word of Magrathea_."

An image of a charismatic blonde man with a bright yellow button, which read "Don't Panic", pinned to his frock coat lapel, popped up on the screen.

Rose looked up wide-eyed, "_That's_ the president of the galaxy?"

"Man after my own heart," Jack touched his chest and sighed.

The _Guide_ continued with its presentation.

"_His pilot, Trillian, formerly known as Trisha McMillan before the Earth was destroyed, was shanghaied into service after falling for the lousy chat up line "Would you like to see my spaceship?" Mr. Arthur Dent found her aboard the _Heart of Gold_ after being dumped out of the airlock of a Vogon constructor ship by the Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council_."

"Okay, you know about the ship, can we go now?" Jack was impatiently waiting beside the door and bouncing on the balls of his feet, "I've been waiting to do this ever since… ever."

"Come on, Rose," the Doctor touched her shoulder, "Before he goes completely off his nut."

"Right," she snapped the book shut and handed it back to its rightful owner.

Jack swung the door open and was confronted by a white robot with a large head and bright green eyes.

"Hi, I'm Captain Jack Harkness," he held out his hand, "Who are you?"

The Doctor shoved past the captain to greet the robot, "Marty! Good to see you again!"

"It's Marvin," the android replied dryly, "They sent me to retrieve you, Doctor."

Marvin turned around and started off down the hall.

"Come on, then," the Doctor grabbed Rose's hand and pulled her after the robot.

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

"Don't be afraid," River peaked into the Shepherd's room, "That's what it says: Don't be afraid."

The fearful preacher nodded his head, "Yes."

"But you _are_ afraid," River stood her ground beside the door.

"Yes."

"You're afraid we're going to run out of air. That we'll die gasping," her eyes never stopped boring into him, reading his every though, "But we won't. That's not going to happen."

Her words caught Book's attention and he raised his head in hope to meet her eyes.

"We'll freeze to death first."

At that she turned away and left him to his silent Bible and whispered prayers.

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

"I brought the visitors," Marvin walked into the helm of the large ship, "No need to thank me or anything."

Zaphod somersaulted into the middle of the walkway from behind large, conspicuously placed plastic fichus and held out a banana threateningly. "Freeze!"

Jack burst out laughing as he remembered having his sonic blaster swapped for a banana not that long ago.

"_Freeze_? You idiot. I'm a robot-- and that's a banana," Marvin dropped the topic and walked away slowly.

"Ix…"The Doctor slowly walked past Marvin and approached a figure seated on a plush white couch then put out a hand to touch its shoulder, "Ford?"

The man in question spun around at the mention of his name then jumped up and over the couch to greet the Doctor.

"Doc?" he wrapped the Doctor in a tight hug and sobbed melodramatically, "Oh, Doctor! I thought I'd never see you again!"

"Captain Jack Harkness," Jack held out a hand to Trillian, who was silently observing the reunion before her, "And you are?"

"Oh… Trish-- _Trillian_," she blushed and took his hand, "I'm Trillian. And this is Dent… _Arthur_ Dent."

"It's a _pleasure_ to meet you," Jack held her hand firmly and kissed her knuckles lightly.

"Excuse me," Arthur butted in protectively, "Um, what are you the captain of?"

"The Innuendo Squad, of course," Jack flashed him his famous 'Hollywood' smile and winked.

"Jack, do you mind?" Rose crossed her arms. She could sense that the Arthur fellow was closely attached to the Trillian girl.

"No, not at all," his lips remained low over her delicate fingers, his warm breath sent a shiver down the length of her spine, "What do you do?"

"I'm the… pilot. Sort of," she smiled and shrugged, gazing into his eyes, "Mostly I just activate the Improbability Drive and cross my fingers that it works."

"Of course," his lips brushed across her hand again then he released it, turning to Arthur in the process, "What about you?"

"I just joined this animal show," he replied noncommittally then put an arm around Trillian's shoulders, "Planet got destroyed and I found the woman of my dreams."

"How sweet," Jack put a hand to his chest and let his eyes close halfway, "Young love!"

"Hey, kids," the Doctor caught their attention, "We're going to go get something to drink. You coming?"

""""""""""""""""""""

Mal jogged up the steps leading to Wash's sanctum, which was commonly referred to as the helm or the bridge.

"You get that beacon sent?" he asked, coming up behind the sulking pilot.

"Yeah, it's sent," Wash had a hand on his chin and he was staring at his beloved dinosaurs.

"Good," the captain turned and started for the stairs.

"Pointless--" Wash scoffed.

"What was that?" Mal spun on his heel to face the back of the upset pilot.

"Nothing, sir. It's a brilliant plan. I'm sure we'll all be saved."

He strode forward, "I'm getting a little weary of this attitude, Wash."

Wash chuckled sarcastically, "Are you? Well, I'm so very sorry, sir. I guess the news that we're all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me a little snippy."

Mal held firm to his solemn belief that they weren't finished, "It's possible someone might pick up that signal."

"No, Mal, it's not possible. No one's gonna pick up the damn signal," he swiveled the chair around to face the captain, "You wanted us flying under that radar, remember? Well, that's where we are. Out of range of anyone or anything."

"Then make it go further."

"I--" Wash stuttered at Mal's insane proposal, "What?"

"Make the signal go further."

"I _can't_ make it go further," he shifted uncomfortably in his seat and glared.

"Not if you sit around here and whinge about it, no," Mal took another step forward.

"What do you expect me to do, Mal?" Wash's eyebrows shot up expectantly.

"Whatever you have to," Mal's eyes flashed angrily, "And if you can't do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat--"

"And what?! Wave my arms around?"

"Wave your arms around. Jump up and down. Divert the navsats to the transmitter," Mal raised his eyebrows slightly and crossed his arms, waiting for Wash to get the hint, "Whatever."

"Divert the-- Right!" Wash put a hand out then smacked it against his forehead as though he were a complete moron for not thinking of that before, "Because teenage pranks are _fun_ when you're about to die!"

"It'd give the beacon a boost, wouldn't it?" Mal cocked an eyebrow when Wash turned away from him.

"Yes Mal," Wash stood up from the chair and tried to level with the overbearing captain, "It would boost the signal. But even if some passerby did happen to receive it, all it would do is muck up their navigation."

Mal continued egging Wash's outburst on. "Could be that's true."

"Damn right it's true!" Wash leaned forward, accentuating every word. "They'd be forced to stop and to dig out our signal before they could even go anyplace."

Mal's unremitting glare bore down on Wash until he noticed that the captain was right.

"Well, maybe I should do that then!" the pilot shouted.

"Maybe you should!"

"Okay!"

"Good." Mal's eyes remained unrelentingly serious.

"Fine!"

Jayne ducked his head in; he looked furious, "Hey! What do you two think you're doin'? Fightin' at a time like this. You'll use up all the air."

"""""""""""""""""""""""""

"So… what is this exactly?" Rose cocked an eyebrow and stared curiously at the drink in her hand.

"Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster," the Doctor told her then took a long drink, which was followed by a cry of pain and laughter.

Ford began laughing as well and raised his glass in a salute, "Belgium!"

He swallowed the contents of his glass quickly then clenched his teeth as the cocktail hit the back of his throat, giving him the sensation of his brains being smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.

"Um," she turned to Arthur, "You wouldn't happen to have any tea, would you?"

"I've been working on that all day," he told her and got down two cups, "Finally got it to actually resemble tea." He looked over at Trillian, who had told him just the day before about the supposed tea offered to him then. He poured the hot beverage into the two glasses and handed one to Rose, "Here you are, then."

Rose raised the glass to her lips, breathing in the scent more than tasting it. "Thank you."

""""""""""""""""

"Kaylee? Kaylee, what are you doing?" Mal strode into the engine room to find his mechanic seated on a box holding an engine part.

"I'm sorry, Captain. I'm real sorry," she turned the part over in her hands and tearfully replied, "I should've kept better care of her. Usually she lets me know when somethin's wrong. Maybe she did. I just wasn't payin' attention or--"

He walked around to crouch down in front of her, "Kaylee, I cannot be having this from you right now. We got work to do. _Dong ma_?"

She looked up and held out the part slightly, "Catalyzer's broke. Gonna need a new one."

"There is no new one," he told her, holding her eyes firmly with his, "You gotta make do with what you got."

Kaylee looked back down at the broken piece in her hands, "It's broke."

"Come on," Mal took her hand, pulling her to her feet, then took the part and led her to the engine. "This the part? It don't hardly seem like nothin'. All right. Where's it go?"

She spun the engine around to reveal the underside and took the part back, showing Mal its place, "Here. But it don't fit no more."

"Well, you gotta figure a way to make it fit."

"Sometimes a thing gets broke, can't be fixed," she told him softly.

His gazed slightly softened, as did his tone, "Without this, the engine don't turn?"

Her reply was to silently shake her head 'no'.

"Engine don't turn, then life support won't function. We don't breathe," he said solemnly, "You wanna keep breathin', don't you?" Kaylee nodded, as did Mal, "So do I."


	3. Chapter 2

**_Chapter 2_**

**_----------------------------------------_**

**__**

"Wait, Zaphod!" Jack leapt off the couch where he had been dozing and chased after the receding president.

"Hey, yeah?" he spun around and smiled charismatically, "What's up?"

"I just wanted to tell you how great it is to finally meet you," Jack put out his hand, which Zaphod accepted and firmly shook, "I mean, after Humma Kavula's whole 'Don't vote for stupid' campaign, I was all for you. It was really low of Humma to do that."

"Hey, really?" Zaphod motioned for Jack to walk with him, "You know, I thought so myself. I am _not_ as stupid as some people say I am. We're actually heading out to Viltvodle Six to retrieve something of mine from him."

"Um... _actually_, you guys switched time tracks when you started following us," Jack said apologetically, "Sorry."

"Hey, uh... We s-whatted with whats-its?" the blonde president arched an eyebrow and crossed two of his arms, "Come on, be real, you zarkin' frood."

"The TARDIS is a _time machine_," Jack explained, "We were traveling to the twenty-ninth century when you caught up with us. We're in 2815 right now."

"Oh... right... fantastic," Zaphod stopped and pressed his ear to a door and grinned. The faint sound of running water flowed softly from beyond the stark white portal, "Excuse me, but I think a young woman might be in need of my assistance. Hey, come on!" he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him.

A squeal of joy echoed from the bathroom, making Jack laugh and shake his head before continuing on to join the rest of the bunch in the kitchen.

----------------------------------------------

"Friends, get movin'," Mal began striding quickly toward the stairs and in the direction of the shuttles to map their trajectory away from _Serenity_, "Take only what you need."

"Mal," Inara chased after him.

"If you fly smart, don't push too hard, shuttle life support should last you a good long while." He avoided looking at her as he continued to press on toward the shuttle.

"Mal," she insisted, "This isn't the ancient sea. You don't have to go down with your ship!"

"She ain't goin' down. She ain't goin' anywhere," he finally turned to give the Companion a few words face to face, "Jayne'll be worth something if you run into trouble but don't trust him and don't let him take over. You're paid up through the end of the month. It's still your ship."

"Mal!" she followed again as he tried to walk away from her.

"And as far as your security deposit goes," he gave her a side-long glance, "That I might have to owe you."

"Mal!" she grabbed his shoulder as he stepped into her shuttle. A klaxon began going off somewhere behind them.

He waved his hand to silence her. His eyes flashed quickly about them then he ran out of the shuttle and up to the bridge, Inara hot on his heels. "What's that all about?"

"Proximity alert," Wash's eyes were wide with hope and confusion.

"How far?" the captain's hand clutched the arm of Wash's pilot-seat, his knuckles turning white.

"Not too," Wash began flicking swetches and pushing buttons faster than he ever had before, "She's big... bigger than anything the Alliance would have out here."

"Hail her," Mal's voice and eyes were intense.

"Doing so," Wash pressed another button and sat back in his seat. A bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face. "Now we just have to wait."

"Me. I'll wait," Mall pulled him up out of the seat, "Y'all need to get off the ship. See if you can get to that ship out there. _Dong ma_?"

Wash nodded and brushed past Inara, making a bee-line toward the shuttle which was occupied by his injured wife and the doctor.

Inara stayed at the doorway, her eyes beginning to flood with tears. "Mal..."

"Go," he ordered her, wishing he didn't have to send her away in such a brusque fashion, "Now."

"Please?" she pleaded, taking a step toward him.

"Inara," he strode forward, meeting her midway. "I need you to get yourself and the others to that ship. I"m not going to leave _Serenity_. Not now, not ever. Give them our coordinates, send them to me, but do _not_ ask me to go with you."

Inara nodded silently and turned to leave. She felt his hand touch hers. She faced him again.

"Good bye," Mal held out a hand. Inara reached her arms around him and hugged him close, nestling her face in his shoulder. He felt the sleeve of his shirt grow warm and damp, then noticed that she was crying. He released her and stood back. The heart-broken Companion ran from the bridge, silent tears streaming down her face.

----------------------------------------------------------

"So, Ix, you still using your Babel Fish?" the Doctor eyed the hitchhiker over the rim of his cup, "I've got a much better method for translation."

"I know," Ford nodded, sipping at his glass of warm milk, which was used as a chaser for the infamous Pan-Glactic Gargle Blaster. It calms the nerves and soothes the senses. What with the whole 'brain getting smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick' sensation, one often desires a little something to tame the tingling in the back of one's throat, and milk seems to do the trick best. "I like my fish. They don't wear off."

"Do they _die_?" the Doctor retaliated with an eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, but it takes a long time," was Ford's disgruntled reply, "Much longer that it takes for a psychic ship's effect to wear off."

"Boys and their toys," Rose muttered to Arthur and Trillian, whe were both head over heels about the new Earth girl. "Is it always like this?"

"Yes," Trillian nodded with a small laugh, "Yes it is."

Rose's ear caught the sound of a faint klaxon going off somewhere in the copious ship. "What's that sound?"

"Proximity alert," Trillian's keen hearing picked up on the obnoxious noise as well, "I'll be right back."

She slid off her chair and jogged to the bridge. Eddie's voice crackled over the intercom. "Hey there, Trill! It's great to see ya!"

"Hi, Eddie," Trillian approached the extensive monitor and began pressing buttons on its panel. "What's the proximity alert for?"

"I'm as pleased as punch to tell you that you have a broken-down Firefly class trasport ship coming up on the starboard," Eddie's cheerful voice continued to echo throughout the ship, "They're trying to hail you!"

"Great," Trillian sighed and pressed the vid-link button then looked up at the gigantic screen. "Hello? Anyone there?"

There was empty static on the other side.

"Hello?" her voice grew urgent. An image of a cold control room appeared on the monitor. There was a tired looking man seated in a pilot's seat bundled up in a warm blanket, probably made of some kind of polywooline, Trillian assumed. His eyes flashed open at the sound of her voice. "This is Tricia McMillan on the presidential ship _Heart of Gold._ We picked up your distress call."

"Captain Reynolds," the person on the other side seemed distressed enough. "I just sent both of my shuttles to converge with you."

"Oh... great," Trill muttered as she typed the coordinates that showed alongside the oversized image of captain Reynolds into the improbability calculator and then entered the probability coordinates into the drive itself. "Be there in a bit. Are you armsed or holding a grudge against the ex-president of the Galaxy, if you don't mind my asking?"

"The who of the what?" Mal's voice cracked as he shivered violently, pulling his thick blanket closer.

"Never mind," Trillian sighed as the ship burst forward with a fresh spurt of speed, energy, and purpose. She turned to face the broody silver robot standing off to the side behind her, "Marvin, could you be a dear and go wait for our latest arrivals in the number two receiving bay?"

"You know, the diodes in my left side..." he began to say morosely, only to have Trillian cut him off.

"Are killing you," she finished for him with a roll of her eyes, "I know. Just... please, Marvin?"

"Are they going to get fixed anytime soon?" he asked with a voice resembling the resonance of an old cracked bell.

"Marvin..." she began to plead with him to stop being so manic-depressive, then caught herself, "Some day... soon. Hopefully."

"Hope?" he slowly shook his great silver head, "Who's got time for hope?"

"I'll talk to Zaphod about it," she assured him.

"Because _that's_ going to help," Marvin muttered as he examined the molecular make-up of the sparkling white tile floor to distract him from the buzzing pain down his left side. This grew boring in a matter of nanoseconds, so he decided to continue speaking, even though this action only took up a space equivalent to a single person's importance in the universe when it came to the size of his great metallic brain. "I may as well just rust to pieces. It'd save time."

"Is everything okay?" Mal asked, leaning forward toward the monitor.

"Just fine," Trillian gave him an unsteady smile then turned back to Marvin, "Go... please?"

"All right," he groaned and shuffled off the bridge.

Trill returned to the screen to smile more warmly at the captain, "We'll be with you and your crew in just a few moments."

"Thank you," Mal said hoarsely, wrapping his coverlet closer to him.

The vid-link ended and Trillian immediately relaxed slightly, and then noticed that she'd have to explain to Zaphod that they were getting ready to pick up even more hitchhikers. _I can't imagine a better day._ She then noticed that she could in fact imagimne a better day: one that included a day on a planet with bio-luminescent lakes and sunsets 24/7, though the measure of time was strictly Earth-bound, she like using it because it reminded her of home. _What's home?_ she began to ask herself then stopped when she noticed that she was beginning to sound like Marvin.


	4. Chapter 3

**_Chapter 3_**

**_------------------------------_**

Trillian checked the numbers. Trillian double checked the numbers. Trillian asked Marvin to double check the numbers.

Marvin wasn't there.

"Computer?" she called out unsurely, "Could you double check this set of coordinates?"

"Sure thing," Eddie replied, his systems humming with excitement and overwhelming delight. "Hey, did you know that most of peoples' entire lives are goverened by phone numbers?"

"I'm beginning to suspect so," the brunetted replied, feeding the printout back into the scanner.

"These are the coordinates for the spaceship _Serenity_, wich is the broken down Firefly just off the starboard," Eddie bubbled, his circuits buzzing with success and pleasure, "This is also your home phone number back on Earth-that-was in your universe, which isn't really a universe, but in fact a..."

"_Earth-that-was_?" Trillian's eyes were wide with surprise, "Did the Vogons destroy theirs too?"

"That's a noper, kid," the computer answere joyously, "Theirs was used up, polluted, and utterly made to be unlivable. Everyone had to leave on newly engineered spacecraft, which they flew to the outer-most reaches of the galaxy, terra-forming new 'Earths' everywhere they went."

"Then where's the Earth?" Trillian asked, stepping over to the large window beside the computer, "There's nothing out there but some hunk of beat up metal. Where's the ship?"

"That hunk of beat up metal is _Serenity_, the Firefly class transport ship that we've set out to converge with," said Eddie, his electronic voice filled with elation, "The Earth was destroyed by Vogons a short time after the humans left, to make way from a hyper-space expressway, just like in your universe."

"But-- wait-- huh?" the human sat down on one of the large white sofas and rubbed her forehead, which felt like it was splitting open because of way too much confusing information, "Then-- but you said--"

"I brought the aliens," Marvin's voice echoed across the stark white room, "No need to thank me. Oh wait, you didn't."

Trillian rolled her eyes and stood up from the couch, "Don't mind him. He's programmed to be a manic-depressive pain in the neck. I' Trillian."

She held out her hand first to a pretty brunette who stood about her height and had grease stains on her face, hands, and clothes.

"'M Kaylee," the brunette said, taking Trillian's hand in a firm grasp then released it, her eyes traveling about the expansive room.

"Simon," a dark haired young man announced, unable to put out his own hand for lack of a free one; both of his hands were occupied with a stretcher, which was also being held up by an eccentric, but depressed, looking strawberry-blonde in a Hawaiian shirt.

The Hawaiian shirt wearing strawberry-blonde looked up with a pained look in his deep eyes, it told Trillian that he was in distress and that the woman on the stretcher was very important to him and that he wanted Trillian to take them to the sickbay immediately so that they could maker her better.

"Infirmary's right through here," Trillian told the group of eight that now stood before her, then turned and walked down a hallway to show them to the hospice, which was every bit as impressive as the massive ship itself.

Simon's eyes lit up when he saw the equipment that he would be using. There were twelve different types of syringe on a glimmering silver tray, hundreds of little bottles of assorted medications, a glistening silver examination table, and a stream-lined effect that encompassed the entire room. He and the strawberry-blonde lifted the unconscious woman up onto the table, taking care not to bump her about too much.

"So... what happened?" Trillian asked, suddenly feeling insignificant and out of place amongst the newcomers.

"Our ship... it... well... catalyzer blew and it was all down hill from there," Kaylee explained, "Zoe here got caught in the blast sort of... and now..."

"She's got internal hemorrhaging," Simon said, more to himself than the rest of his audience, being he was concentrating on the task at hand more so than the conversation.

------------------------------------------------------

"Oi, Jack," the Doctor waved captain Harkness over to his side, a freshly filled cocktail glass in hand, "Where's Mr. Ex-Presidential Knickers got to?"

"He had _business _to attend to," Jack replied, lifting the flute out of the Doctor's hand and raised it to his lips, taking a deep gulp of the clear liquid. "All's well th-- aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!"

The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster is well known for its ability to scramble one's brainpan a bit, but it's not very long lasting, much less permanent. Jack knew this. He relished the sensation when it came, although it caught him a bit off guard now when he wasn't particularly expecting it. He held a hand to his forehead then wiped the tears of shock from his eyes and held out the glass for a refill, laughing all the while.

"Wasn't expecting that," he commented as he sipped at the glass again, this time gprepared for the shock to his system, "Anyway, where'd that cute brunette get to? I hadn't got a chance to talk to her."

"Ushering in the visitors," Arthur said through gritted teeth. _That's my cute brunette_ he thought scornfully. "Damsels in distress and such. Someone called Serenity or some-such."

"I've heard that name before," Jack said reflectively, wondering where he had heard the name before. "Doctor, where've I heard that name before?"

"Batle of Serenity Valley, perhaps?" Rose spoke up, watching Jack over the rim of her tea cup, "We took up arms there, I think. That _was_ the battle of Serenity Valley, right?"

"Yup," the Doctor replied with a smile, "I believe _Jack_ took up arms there, you and I just sat back and watched the light show. Ran into some bloke called himself 'Tracy', caught him eatin' beans behind a pillar."

"That's where it was," Jack muttered contentedly, finishing off his drink and setting the glass down on the marble-like counter top, "So... where are we?"

"You'd have to ask Trillian," Arthur said flatly, "She's the one who does all the button pushing."

"So I've noticed," Jack said with his eyebrow cocked.

----------------------------------------------------

The proximity klaxon began to blare just outside the infirmary, alerting everyone inside.

"That'll be your ship," Trillian stated, exiting the close quarters of the lavish sickbay, "I'll be right back."

"Perhaps someone should accompany you," a woman dressed in satin finery with long dark locks and bronze skin said, taking a step toward Trillian, "Mal will want to see a familiar face when he gets here."

Trillian nodded and and continued on here way, "Follow me, uh... what's your name?"

"Inara," was the reply given, "Inara Serra."

"Pleasure to meat you, Inara," Trillian paused to put out a hand, which Inara took graciously and gently squeezed, "Pity it's not under better circumstances."

"How long until we dock with _Serenity_?" Inara asked, glancing out the gargantuan bay window beside the main computer panel. The ship was just hanging in space beside them, a mere speck alongside the capacious _Heart of Gold_.

"Oh, we're just going to transport him straight onto the ship," Trillian explained, pressing a button on the computer and then took off at a fair run down a hall, Inara close on her heels. "He should be here right about..." a vat of vanilla custard spilled over them, though it did no damage to either damsel, "Now."

Mal appeared before them, or what could be assumed to be Mal. In all actuality, a brown leather flower pot with a prickly pear cactus in it appeared before a morning-glory in a gold vase and a petunia in a white bowl.

"I think I'm a cactus, but I don't know why," the potted prickly pear cactus dryly stated to the morning-glory and petunia.

"Normality restored," announced Eddie proudly, his electronic voice jubilantly echoing through the ship, which had in fact all returned to normal from the plant-like state that it had turned to while in short-term improbability drive.

Mal stood before Inara and Trillian with a puzzled look on his face. He'd just been a cactus, staring at Inara the morning-glory and Trillian the petunia.

"Uh... hi," he said awkwardly to Inara and Trillian, not sure what to make of his short-term plantiness.

"Mal! I'm so glad you're okay," Inara leapt into his unprepared arms, then pulled away, noticing the rigidity of his body and the surprised look on his face, "Uh... this is Trillian. She saved us all."

"And Zoe?" Mal asked.

"Simon's operating on her right now," the Companion replied.

"Uh... his," he repeated, extending a hand to Trillian, who was dusting potting soil off of her stark white jumper, "Thank you for the-- you know-- rescue."

"You would've done the same," Trillian said, taking his hand delicately and giving it a curt shake.

"I'm sure I would've," he nodded, following the brilliant young woman and Inara deeper into the ship.


	5. Hiatus

Official Three Month Hiatus posted on ALL stories written by lexophile42 (aka Lexx)

Dear faithful reader,

I'm sorry to inform you of the fact that all of my stories will be placed on hiatus until the end of Summer Vacation. By the time I return to the fandom, I will be bursting at the seams with updates for all my stories plus a few new fics to post, no doubt. So until then, sit tight, read what I've got, and review to your heart's content. If you have anything you'd like to say to me directly, please email me and I will do my best to get back to you. Thank you all for being so understanding in this difficult time. You guys really are the best.

Thank you again, and may the Force be with you.

Sincerely yours,

Lexx


	6. 2010

**Updates for the new year...**

The following stories are up for adoption:

A Doctor for the Doctor (this is one that I would like to be kept in the loop about by whoever adopts it)

Heart of Gold (this is one that I could just as easily write off as a dead-in-the-water story and just leave it)

A Matter of Life and Death (actually, I just need a cowriter or two to keep this one going)

Doctor Who Bloopers (again, I just need a cowriter or two or three to keep this one going)

* * *

Stories that are no longer available for adoption:

Viva Rock Vegas (adopted by "ottawawolf" -- /u/2047635/ottawawolf)

* * *

Impending updates:

Jack Who- I have revived my dead writing laptop and have recovered the final chapters of this story, which means it will soon be COMPLETE!!

Ethereal Nonsense- I'm finally getting around to finishing this one and will also be working on panels for the actual comic.

Bananas for Her- pretty much the same as Jack Who, except it's still got quite a bit of work to be done before it is COMPLETE.

* * *

Hang in there, folks. I haven't forgotten about ya!!


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